The Candles

Another candle added to the top of my cake (it’s a yogurt cheese-cake by the way). Each candles supposed to be the representation of growth, personal establishment and sense of maturity. It is such a shame that instead of all those things, my candles represent my fear, denial and endless questionable decisions…

The truth is don’t know how to do this whole grown up thing. Last night, I asked Sharina the question that I have been wanted to find the answer for so long. How to be a grown up? Sharina is slightly older than I am and despite being the joke-cracking goofball that we have always been, she has the ability of turning herself into this wise, mature-beyond-the-years personality whenever the situation demands her to do so. That is one thing that I admire the most about her (that and thousands of other things). Her answer was simple, acceptance.

I still find it hard to swallow the fact that I am now a single 25-year-old. It was easier being a single 20-year-old… But that is not my point! I guess I can only turn this whole life around once I fully embraced the changes that are currently taking place in my life. This whole idea of standing-on-my-own-two-feet really scares me. In fact, that is what becoming an adult is all about. How do I do this? I can’t even drive!

It kills me each time I saw my reflection in the mirror in the morning, wearing a tie around my neck. That’s just so not me. I look old and it shortened my neck people! How I wish I could just live in my t-shirts and skinny jeans every day of the week…

And on some weekends, I couldn’t help but shamefully smile to my friend (ok it was Ben!) when he wakes me up each time I fell asleep on the couch. We’re supposed to watch DVDs, relates people we know to the movies and make hurtful comments about them, but I only managed to stay awake long enough for the opening credits. That is just so sad because I used to be the one who could go for more than 24 hours without sleep. I still can pull it off every now and then, but most of the time I slumped myself on the couch by midnight with the TV on. That is one huge blinking neon sign of aging. I feel like it’s blinking right on my forehead. I even have a new line right under my eyes, which I’m so self-conscious about.

So back when I was in uni, I have a dream and I have a vision of how my adult life was going to be. And I have to tell you people, my so-called adult life that I’m living right now is nothing like the vision that I had… Sooo-frustrating.

Song playing inside my head: Elliot Smith's Between the Bars